Adventures of the Common "Middle" Man - Part III

(Please scroll through the earlier two posts)

He put the phone down and shrugged. I gave him a understanding smile that said a million words.

"So whats up?", he asked.

The start of my answer coincided with the arrival of another call on my vodafone. I looked at the screen hoping that perhaps this time it was some salesman trying to sell me some scheme on my post-paid card. That it would give me the pleasure of listening to someone other than myself doing the cajoling and begging for once. But the Gods blessed me with no such luck. It was another call that could make or break the nation.
He looked at me and gave me an understanding smile that said another million words. Thus with our conversation limited to just those three words, he waved and went on his way. When you are being paid to talk, there is no funding for chatting.

"Sat Sri Akaal, paaji. Ki haal hain?", I said.

"Oye, I am verry confuzedd yaarr. Tu menu ye bata, mujhe kya vote karna hain? Kyunki, jaha tak menu yaad hain, Sharmaji aye the aur bade acche se unhone explain kiya ke, ye Nuclear deal jo hain, woh apne desh ke liye kitna important hain. Isse desh ki kitne tarraki hogi. Aur government bacha toh kitne naye economic reforms layega. Kya iska matlab hain ke mein aur Sharmaji forr ke side se vote kar rahe hain?"

"Ji paaji.........dekho aap toh for ke side pe hi hain. Par aaj subeh se Sharmaji against mein chale gaye hain."

"Arre yaar yeh kitna confuzing karte ho tum log. Toh abb bolo mein kiski side pe hoon."

"For ki side pe, paaji!"

"Arre, I am not fooll. Woh samjha mujhe. Par abhi Sharmaji nahi toh aur kaun hain meri side pe?"

"Ji paaji, abhi aap ki side pe Guptaji hain."

"Arre kis jallad ki side pe dal diya mujhe!! Woh kamina mera jaani-dushman hain! Mein uske saath vote karu? Yeh nahi chalega."

A big mistake on my part, I immediately realised. Forgetting about such prejudices is unacceptable in my profession. It was time for damage control.

"Extremely sorry paaji. Par for ki side pe Surinder Singhji bhi hain. Woh toh apke acche yaar hain na."

"Sssh, arre yaar yeh baat kisiko pata nahi chalni chahiye. Top Secret hain. Jab usne party chodi thi tabhi maine usko TV pe bhar bhar ke gaaliya di thi. Woh bhi mera jaani-dushman hain, aisa log samajte hain. Yeh tumhe kaise pata chala?"

Two mistakes in as many minutes! Thoughts of retiring entered my brain. That my organisation knew the deepest secrets of almost all the leaders who ever thought of playing a part in politics was an open secret. But to flaunt it would mean the end. I recognised this situation as the one where whatever you say to put things right they keep becoming more complicated. The solution was to say as little as possible.

"Arre paaji aap aise kyun yaad rakh rahe ho? Sirf for mein vote karna hain ya against mein wahi yaad rakho."

"Hmmmm......okay. Mujhe for mein karna hain. Matlab government ke for mein. Matlab government ko bachana hain. Correctt?"

"Ji, sirji."

"Okay. Toh bolo. Bachau ki girau?"

"Bachao."

"Once more. Bachau ki girau?"

"Bachao."

"One lastt time. Bachau ki girau?"

"Bach....."

My airtel was ringing. I fished it out of my pocket urgently. The conversation was brief.

"Hello sir......yes sir.........Change sir?.........OK sir.........Fine sir.........I'll do that sir..........Thank you sir.........Good day sir."

I put the vodafone back to my ear.

"Paaji, change....................... Girado"

"Oye, teri maa ki......"




....................................................................................This could continue forever.

Adventures of the Common "Middle" Man - Part II

(Please scroll down and look over Part I first)

I pocketed the phone and sighed. The comedy film industry would definitely get out of its slump if they made a biographic film on Chi Chi's political career. But atleast he had bothered to remember the date of the vote. That was a start.

Suddenly I spotted a colleague from the organization across the road. Quite predictably he was yapping away into his phone. I waved to him and he waved back, the oral organ not pausing even for a moment. I ran across the lane and waited patiently by him while he completed his call. I could only hear what he was saying of course, but it wasn't difficult to guess what the other party was telling him:

"No sir. That is not possible sir."

"Because you are a minister in the cabinet sir."

"No sir, there have been no funds assigned to pay ministers to vote for the man who appointed them, sir"

"Yes, I agree they should have been. But unfortunately they haven't been."

"Yes sir, you have full freedom to vote against the government in protest of this injustice but if the government falls then you will no longer be a minister, sir."

"No sir, we cannot just change the PM and be done with it."

"Yes sir, I know we should be able to do that, but unfortunately we cannot."

"No sir, I don't think they will allow you to use the official car if you are no longer a minister."

"Yes sir, I know they should allow it but unfortunately they don't."

"Good day, sir."


........................................................................................Still to be continued

Adventures of the Common "Middle" Man - Part I

"Theek bhav bolna, bhai"

"Theek hi bol raha hoon, saab", said the man mechanically. He was standing in his shop which was raised slightly above the road to avoid the rain water flooding in. That gave him a good psychological advantage in height, as I had to look up to talk to him.

"Par baki sab ko 9 diya, abhi tumko 12 kaise denge?", I put in the expected reply.

"Hum thodi bol rahe hain, jo rate Saab ne bola woh hum aapko bol rahe hain."

"Theek hain, toh Saab ko bolo ki against mein vote kar do yeh baar. Bye Bye." I turned away apparently to go.

"Arre ruko saab, hum baat karte hain Saab se. Shayad 10 mein man jaye......."

"9 peti matlab 9 peti.", My vodafone was continuously ringing, the vibrations distracting me. I wanted to get this over with quickly.

"Hume bhi ghar chalana hain saab. Hamare Saab ko unke gyara ghar chalane hain....."

"Tumhara commision iske upar denge", He was no match for me, height advantage notwithstanding.

"Abhi aap maan hi nahi rahe toh kya kahe hum bhi..... Theek hain."

Game, Set and Match to Me. Who is Me? Well, I am the Common Middle Man. I am exactly like your quintessential common man, except that I talk a lot and do some work. Like R.K Laxman's Common man, I listen to plotting politicians and their brazen remarks. Only, sometimes I intervene to add some of my own. I facilitate the smooth working of the governance juggernaut. Without me the under-the-table dealings of the Nation would as inefficient as the legal ones. In short my job description is doing the dirty work for people who do dirty work. I am not the only one of course. There's an whole organization of us. And believe me, we are in demand.

The man I was dealing with was a fellow CMM. But one employed privately and of course, nowhere as good as us. But he did his job. The deal was done and another number added to the tally. I didn't know what the exact tally was though. Yesterday night, I managed a peak at the figures and the Government looked set to topple. But in the morning, some more purse strings and portfolios were loosened and the gap closed. But the opposition wasn't far behind. The calls came in incessantly from both sides. Ah, that's another aspect of my job. I and my organisation work for any side. It helps to keep the conscience clean.

My vodafone was still ringing. I finally got away from the noise of the bazaar into a corner and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Main Sabu bol raha hoon.", the serious, gruff voice answered.

"Yes Mr. Sabu. How are you? Kaise hain Chi Chi sir."

"Sab accha hain, aap ki kripa se. Tum toh busy rahoge na? Arre suno, tumhe 22nd ko date to diya hain par woh postpone karo na."

"What?"

"Arre usi din raat ko ek stage show hain, Chi Chi sir ka. Schedule bahut tight ho jayega."

"Sir, that day there is a vote to decide whether the government stands or falls, held due to the no confidence motion tabled by the opposition. The date has been set by the Parliament and all MPs have to be present."

"Yes, I know baba. Par abhi time nahi hain toh kya kare?"

I spent the next half an hour trying to explain that such an event cannot be postponed for any one MP (even if he's the star of the event). Finally I changed tack a bit.

"Sabu sir, this is a live telecast. It will be shown dedicatedly on atleast two government Free-To-Air channels plus all the news channels in existence."

"Hmmmm, aisa hain kya. Ruk sir se baat karta hoon."

The phone went silent for a minute. When the line was resumed, a highly energetic voice spoke.

"Hello!"

"Hello Chi Chi sir. How are you?"

"Arre yeh postpone karne ka koi chance nahi hain kya?"

"No sir."

"Ok theek hain. 6.30 ko hain na vote. Ok. Main aata hoon woh time ke aas paas. Sirf jara set tayaar rakhna please. Main aunga aur shot.....err sorry.....vote deke nikal jaunga."

"Okay sir, jaisi apki marzi.", I sighed.

"Haan aur Sabu ko sab address wagaira de ke rakha hain na?"

"Sir, parliament mein hi hain vote."

"Haan par Agra kabhi aya nahi hoon na mein. Udhar aake rasta na chuk jau!."

"Sir, Parliament Dilli mein hain."

A moment's silence.

"Haan, haan, woh sab details tum aur Sabu dekh lo. Ok? Chalo bye."



........................................................................................To Be Continued