Lord of the LEDs: The Fall of Celeron

Day 0:
(Tring, Tring...................Tring, Tring)

Me: Hello?
Harried Woman at other end of the line: The PC is not working.
Me: What's happening?
Harried Woman: It's not working.
Me: Yeah, I got that. I mean describe to me what is happening when you turn it on.
HW: Nothing is happening.
Me: Right, but do you hear any beep sounds?
HW: No.
Me: No 3 short beeps or 3 long beeps?
HW: NO.
Me: Okay. Errrr, is the switch on?
HW: I know THAT much!
Me: Yeah yeah, I'm just saying that check if the connection is all right.
HW: Which connection?
Me: The main power supply, the Spike Suppressor.
HW: The what?
Me: The big green thing behind the monitor.
HW: Okay, its connected to the wall socket and I turned it on.
Me: Are its LEDs glowing?
HW: (long pause) Hmmmmmmm.
Me: Forget it, the spike suppressor has its own buttons. Are those on?
HW: Yes, they look on.
Me: Are the ones connected to the PC on?
HW: Which ones are connected?
Me: I don't know. The one's with the big black plugs inserted.
HW: (long pause) Hmmmmmmm.
Me: Forget it, turn all of them on.
HW: All of them?
Me: YES!
HW: You don't have any patience at all!
Me: (deep breath) Okay, now try again.
HW: It's not working.
Me: What's happening?
HW: Monitor is blank. It's not working.
Me: (deep breath) It's difficult to say from here what's wrong. I will check once I am there.
HW: What time will you be here?
Me: I might be a little late today. There's a lot of work in office today. We have that big release on Monday.
HW: (long pause) Hmmmmmmm.
Me: OK?
HW: Today is Saturday, I thought I would be able to speak to <my daughter> on Skype today.
Me: I will check as soon as I am back.
HW: Even the laptop is not working.
Me: (deep breath) Maybe you could use the iPad.
HW: That thing <my daughter> sent?
Me: Yes.
HW: That thing has Skype?
Me: No, but you could install it from the App Store.
HW: (long pause) Hmmmmmmm.
Me: I will fix the PC as soon as I am back. Anyway she won't be up yet. I will reach there, fix it and keep it ready just in time for her to get up and chat with you. Okay?
HW: It's already so late......(long pause) Hmmmmmmmm.
Me: (silence)
HW: Do you think we should try fixing the PC again?
Me: BYE MOM!

Stop the Cryathalon

I have had it with foreign athletes and their managers cribbing about the facilities provided at the Best Commonwealth Games ever. How can the not appreciate the ingenuity of Mr. Kalmadi and Co. to provide them Best seamless training facilities and residence arrangements ever?

For their undoubtedly low IQ here is a brief overview of the Best amenities they can avail at the Best Commonwealth Games Village ever.

Integrated Long Jump Training Area:
Ensures that athletes do not lose their dexterity even when they are not at practice. Want Lunch? The Canteen's just across this 15 ft chasm.

 
On-Site Swimming Pool:
Especially built for the Shallow Swimming event (new!). Deep-water swimmers need not worry. Just wait for the next round of showers.

Advanced Obstacle Course:
Designed by the Best of India's Labour force! If you can dodge falling glass, loose wires and other (unique) obstacles, the 100 mts with a few small bars will be a piece of cake!

Indoor Shooting Range:
If you are too disgusted to go near it, then you are forced to practice your 'long range shooting'.

Olympic Pole Vault:
As all other amenities here, this one is also very deftly hidden in the surroundings.

Contingency Arrangements:
Hmmmm. Alternative uses haven't been found for these yet, but don't worry, we will find something. After all we are the Best Organizing Committee ever.

Foolproof Security:
As you can see, all rooms have been checked and rechecked by our K9 Units.

Shri. Kalmadi's Room:
Always leading from the front, our Best OC Chairman ever Mr. Kalmadi has ensured that every tiny little thing installed in the athletes residences is first tried and tested at his own residence. This directive has been diligently followed by all his sub-ordinates as well!








I hope with this information, the doubts and apprehension of the participating countries will be quelled!

If Not, special incentives are on offer to all participating countries:

1. For Australia, UK, New Zealand, etc:
1. Come or we stop sending students to your Universities.
2. Come or we actually do something about the racial attacks on Indians on your soil. 
3. Come or we ban your players from the IPL.
2. For Malawi, Lesotho, Kiribata, Kenya, etc:
1. We are giving free food! What else do you want?
3. For Pakistan:
1. Come because calls to bookies from here will be Local, so you know......cheaper.
2. Come because here there are less chances of bombs blowing up or terrorists firing on your team bus.
3. Come because Saina is still single, in case you are already bored with Sania.
4. For Tokelau, Tuvalu, Vanuata, etc:
1. WTH are you?